Going Away to Go Forward

I’ve always hated DTR talks. You do too, right? Define The Relationship conversations with a significant other can be such a pain, but if you’ve ever been steady with someone long term, one of you will inevitably bring it up. I mean – isn’t the whole reason we get married so we don’t need to have DTR talks anymore?

On Monday, I took a night away in solitude. After more than 18 years, the time had come to dive into another DTR pow-wow. This time, with myself.

What do you want, Andee? You have a beautiful family, you love where you live, you have an amazing group of friends. From where is this discontent coming? 

Why so many bouts of anxiety lately? The depression, I get. I’m used to it. But anxiety? 

And why, why, WHY do you let the house/ the car / your body / your brain become filled with so. much. clutter? With all of this mess around you, surely you shouldn’t be blogging. Where do you get off thinking hours a day on your laptop is okay?

Nature of a Servant Going Away

Edd dropped me off curbside in front of the hotel at noon. I wasted no time digging into my soul searching for the answers to questions that have plagued me for months. By the time he picked me up at that same curb Tuesday morning, I had the following glimpses of clarity:

Scheduling: I’m a to-do list kind of gal. If I don’t schedule even the little things in my day, time flitters away and nothing gets done. After my eldest was born, I found the motivational, organizational, web-woman, Flylady. Over the years, I’ve let so many of my learned habits disappear. It’s time to revisit my Flylady friend and get rid of my clutter. 

Bonus: Kids are now old enough to do all chores. I just need to be on top of a schedule for them, too.

Nature of a servant going away

Contentment: I pride myself on being content. However, I’ve always viewed “content” in monetary terms. I’ve never wanted more stuff, I love my house, and I’m more than satisfied with our income. As I parked myself and my iced americano on a blanket down by the waterfront and read Leo Babuata’s The Little Book of Contentment, his words brought to light other, non-monetary areas where I know I’m experiencing discontent. Rather than dealing with these issues, I’ve dismissed them and then beat myself up about it. When I conjure the courage to be vulnerable, I can address the irritations.

Hotel Monaco get away
Except this chair.
I’d be more content if I had this chair.

Social Media: My love/hate relationship. Did anyone suffer from depression before social media?  And yet, it allows me to stay in the loop with my friends all over the world with posts and comments. I’m not quite sure how I’m going to manage my social media consumption, but I am researching and learning what others do to manage their online time.

Once I figured out a strategy to conquer these little problems of mine, I moved to the bigger internal question. The decision I needed to make. The plan for my future outside of raising a family. Should I continue to write?

Nature of a Servant didn’t start because I wanted to be a blogger. I simply used this medium as an accountability tool for my 2012 resolution. As time progressed, I’ve rediscovered the therapeutic benefits of putting my thoughts to paper. Often, though, I question whether or not I should continue. Why would anyone possibly care what I have to say? 

Throwing that last question to the internet world, the man I love differently than my husband but the same as my sibling, my brother from another mother, gave me the words I was desperate to hear:

Don’t do it because the world needs it. Do it because you need to get it out to the world.

He’s right. I need this. I need to continue my journey not only as a writer, but to still explore what it means to embody the nature of a servant. Most of you know I continue to volunteer in the community, but I also require discipline and accountability to serve my friends, my family and figuring out how to get through each day in servanthood. 
After 20 hours alone with my thoughts, I’ve come to this conclusion: 
You’re stuck with me.
Help me with my life re-boot.
How do you manage your social media time?
How do you deal with discontentment?
How do you stay on top of household chores?
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