El Mar

Hello, Old Friend. It’s been a while.

I pop in sporadically. You’ve seen me and I’ve seen you. I just couldn’t bear to come close. Not for a while.

Remember when I was 16 and experienced my first rejection from the boy I believed I loved? Oh, you let me pour tears into you. You didn’t try to fix my problem. You didn’t bash the boy. You just listened. 

I came to visit so many times in the next few years. You still listened. You drowned my sobs so no one else would hear.

You’ve heard firsthand the heartaches I had during my early 20s. Looking back, how did I expose myself to such hurt? Youth is dangerous, huh? There you were welcoming me and saving me a spot near you, no matter the time of day.

The times we had together weren’t all sad. When I was a child we played, when I was in high school we partied. Yet as an adult, I noticed every time I stepped close enough to touch you, painful memories came rushing back.

It’s easier to see you when I’m with other people. I can let them draw close to you while I linger behind. I’m not as comfortable around you as I once was. Sometimes I protect myself from you, spying from an indoor window.

Yesterday, I hadn’t planned to visit you at all. But as the day warmed, I presumed it would be nice to visit. After all, I’m alone. And you already know all of my secrets.

As soon as I made the decision, I yearned for you. I kicked off my shoes and walked toward you, closing my eyes and letting intuition guide the way. I wanted to hear what you had to say. You had to bring up the memories, didn’t you? That’s okay. I probably needed to face them. 

Close again, I trusted you with more secrets, more hurts, more tears. You took them. You remained loud enough so no one else was bothered. I felt better. Just like I used to. 

Thanks for still listening, after all this time. I can’t promise I’ll know what to do the next time I see you. I may come close or if other company is present, I may stay away. 

You are a powerful example. I wish I could be as strong in my own life.

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